The children may not like a step parent, or the step parent may not be emotionally and physically capable of handling the numerous difficulties that one faces in the beginning, explains clinical psychologist Dr Seema Hingorrany. It isn't that difficult in all cases. A classic example would be model-actress Elizabeth Hurley, who is set to play the role of stepmother to cricketer Shane Warne's children, Brooke, 14, Jackson, 13 and nine-year-old Summer. She is quite delighted with the way the trio have welcomed her into their family and had recently tweeted A million thanks to my three beautiful future step children for being so welcoming, inclusive and charming to me and my son.
The tweet came a day after the children's biological mother, Simone Callahan, warned Elizabeth to 'stop playing mum' to her children, following rumours that they call her 'mummy two'.
You may love your partner's kids and feel ready for the transformation. But there are a lot of issues you would actually like to think about or discuss with your partner before you become the new parent.
His relationship with his ex
His relationship with his ex-wife is not only crucial to him but also to his children, says Dr Minnu Bhonsle, consulting psychotherapist. It is essential that you start a new relationship on a very honest note. Make sure he hasn't given you a sugar-coated version of the situation. It is obvious their relationship was going through a rough phase, otherwise they would not have divorced each other. But try to know the reason why it happened.
Your relationship with his ex
Your partner's ex-wife is the mother of the children, and she has to be respected for the role she plays in their lives. Bitterness is bound to exist and communication may seem uncomfortable in the beginning. Remember, you need to improve your equation with her, especially for the kids. It might take time to cultivate your relationship with her, but there's no harm in making efforts and taking the initiative.
What do you want
Once you've decided to get married, discuss your expectations with your partner and keep them as low as possible. Such a transition is never easy; it's going to be a bumpy ride. But getting stressed isn't going to help either. The simplest way to deal with it is by being calm and patient.
Your role as a parent
Know how your partner views you as a step parent. You may be wanting to be a working parent and your partner might expect you to stay at home and nurture the kids. So, communication of ideas and expectations is extremely essential to avoid problems in the future.
What do the kids expect from you
Now, this one's a little tricky. You may never know what exactly they want. They may be friendly to you, but at the same time, they may react strangely to their father marrying another woman. You have to be careful in the way you deal with their emotions.
Tips to break the ice with the kids
You may not share the same parenting style as your partner's ex, so it may take some time for you to figure out what style works best. Till then, here are a few tips to help you be a good stepmom...
You're marrying his family and not just him
When you're planning to marry a man with children, you're not just marrying the man, but his entire family. Don't expect the kids to accept and love you immediately, as they are going through a phase, where they are finding it difficult to deal with the divorce of their parents. So shower them with love and care and wait for the bond to develop naturally.
Don't take it to heart
It's going to take some time for the kids to accept reality and be good to you. They may be unkind, but you need not take it personally. Most importantly, do not discuss the behaviour of the kids with your spouse, especially if it's bad behaviour. Your spouse might not support the kids, which may hurt them tremendously, says Hingorrany. Kids should be able to confide in you.
Let the dad perform his duties
For this, you need to understand the father-child bond. Also, discuss with your husband the things he needs to do to get his children to adjust to the fact that he's introducing a stepmother into the household. As you take up more responsibilities, don't take over all the roles your partner previously played, says Bhonsle. If he has always been dropping them to school, let him continue to do so.
Do not force love and affection on the kids
There may be times when your stepkids aren't very respectful to you, but you need not act the same way. Treat them with respect and you'll see their behaviour change gradually. Give them some space and make them feel comfortable. Try to be friendly instead of being authoritative. Spend some time with the kids and try to know their interests and what kind of activities they enjoy, or take them shopping, says Hingorrany. They will start enjoying your company. Also, make sure you are fair to both, your step kids as well as your biological kids.
Source: Times of India
BDST: 1709 HRS, AUG 11, 2015
Edited by: Sharmina Islam, Lifestyle Editor
